Dream Angel - Al

11/28/05

Every angel is terrifying, says Rilke. and in my dream this AM, there was an angel, making its first appearance, a cameo. No wings, at least visible. Simple white miniskirt length tunic. A young RuPaul without the drag, hair pulled back, light skinned black complexion. Lasted for all of 2 seconds.

The appearance was completely without context. No story he interrupted, just a flash on the screen. And my response: I screamed, a dream-scream, not an audible one. As I look back on who he was and how he appeared, there was no reason to scream, but I did.

I have loved the Rilke quote, and though of it earlier in the workshop. Tried to use it once to sound clever or erudite, but didn’t have any success in working it into the conversation. And, quote-wise, I believe it. I encourage people in AA not to wish for burning bushes, since the fire doesn’t tend to stay contained to the thing we need to be rid off – it can burn a lot more than the bush. You’re lucky if your burning bush doesn’t catch the whole house on fire.

I had an angelic figure once before: a beautiful young man, black hair, white skin, huge wings, wearing a white button-down shirt. He came to some dreams and I tried dialoging with him, his name was Michael, and he looked like a young version of my friend Raven. I don’t think I ever accomplished what it was he was trying to lure me into. And I did not scream upon his arrival.

And so it took an angel to get me to write again. The fear over the job situation and the end of unemployment had my attention for a long time over these last two weeks. My usual strategy of keeping fear at bay by not paying much attention to it was working fine as long as the money was in something of an equilibrium. And now I have been de-equilibrated.

I called Paul and asked if they needed any seasonal help and Barnes & Noble and he said yes. The guy who’s hiring, Josh, looked and acted like it was a done deal, but we’ll see as the week progresses.

I have to run, on this busy, perhaps last day of unemployment. But I’m back at the computer. Let’s see if I can stay here.

*****

11/29

Angel dialogue

Q: Hi there.

A: Hi

Q: Are you an Angel of Un-Stuckness?

A: You wanna be Unstuck?

Q: Yeah.

A: You could have fooled me. The way to Unstuck is Taking Action. At least you came back tonight.

Q: More Unstuck, I hope. A job, maybe tomorrow. An odd call on the phone tonight. Something is moving.

A: So do you want to be Unstuck about Alabama?

Q: I’ve been ambivalent about that lately. Doesn’t seem like the right topic.

A: When was the last thing that felt like the right topic that you Stuck with?

Q: That’s a good point.

A: You saw me, you sat for two hours, you hooked up with Anna, you went to the gym, you hooked up with David, you got a call about a job interview, you hooked up with Matthew, you never came back to me, until now.

You wanna be a writer?

Q: It seems like too much work, sometimes. I sit at the typewriter and it feels like I’ll be here for hours before I accomplish something. I wonder how I can sit here for hours if it's going to take hours to get a page. It feels like I ought to be doing something else.

A: Only if you don’t want to be a writer. If you want to be a CD seller, then your job should be pursued before me. Fortunately they’re not paying you enough to really want to blow me off … I guess I win until somebody with real money comes along.

I wonder if those guys are waiting about calling you until you decide whether you want to be a writer or not….

Cause the job you take might be very different if you want to be a writer than if you don’t.

Yeah, it would indeed be good to be out of the house, earning something during the holidays. And if you had a job, a Barnes & Noble job might not be a bad one for a writer.

But you know, when you come home and the TV comes on, and then you get up in the morning and the TV comes on, and then you get home and the TV comes on…. maybe you want to be a TV watcher.

A writer stares at the blank page, not the face of Bill O’Reilly, or even Charlie Rose. Or at least the blank page should be in the running for more time than those guys, whoever they’re talking to.

If Alabama’s not the right topic, then change. Cliff didn’t say you couldn’t change. But I think you haven’t gone far enough down the road to Alabama to know if Alabama’s the wrong topic. Just like that “Heart of Sobriety” folder you had on your desktop for however long you had it. Or the history of Body Electric idea you bounced around for awhile. Or that Sobriety for the Non-Sober file you had for awhile. Or that Gay Marriage op-ed you thought about sending off to Southern Voice. Or the AJC guest editorial. Or the AJC book review lady’s phone number you didn’t call.

You write too well to not write, a lot of people think. All the ones who ask you where you’re writing nowadays. The ones who still come up and remember something you wrote 10 years ago, or your picture on top of your column and that you wrote something.

Write about desire, about the fear for reaching for it, that Alabama seems to have bred into your bones. Write about how they’ll hate you if you write the truth about them, or about how much you loved the good-hearted part of the state, but not the cussed closed-mindedness. Write some pages about any of this and see if they seem to be pointed in the one direction, or three… Write about how they avoid modernity and would reinstitute horses and buggies if they didn’t like NASCAR so much. Bless their hearts and tell them the truth, and let the sawdust fall where it may.

Q: Do you have a name?

A: Nathan.

Q: I used that as a pseudonym once.

A: If you need it again, you’re welcome to it.