Jeff - Relationships
Jeff
Week 1
Relationships…a psychic told me recently that I would only have two relationships in my lifetime. I feel shortchanged. During my vacation this year, I was married and divorced many, many times…and that was exactly my intention. Not that I want to be “really” married and divorced countless times but two…only two? Since I’ve already had one relationship, maybe that means that I will finally find the right man and get married and settle down?
But I’m not sure if I should count my 14 year relationship with Ron or not? I question it because in so many ways, I kept myself separate from Ron. We never combined our finances, I wouldn’t allow it because I felt that he was irresponsible with money…like I wasn’t then and am not now. We never bought a house or car together, split all expenses like good roommates would do. There were times when we slept separately for extended periods of time. He would probably say that was all my doing. Even when we slept together, I would move to my side of the bed after fucking him. And it was always me fucking him…ahhh, the words of a power top. I let him fuck me a few times, but frankly, his cock was too small and he fucked like a rabbit, really fast and short…seemingly, all for his pleasure. Of course, I didn’t and don’t fuck that way. I loved him and I told him so, but not in “that” way…the way a married couple should, whatever that is.
Throughout the 14 years, I spent much of my time trying to devise a plan to divorce. Leaving him and being free to do what I wanted, when I wanted was always the topic. Yes, I felt crappy and devious and dishonest and wimpy about feeling that way. Finally, in 1997, I took a job out of town. So our separation began. But, still not able to break completely, I commuted for four years. It took four years and airfares and rental cars totaling thousands of dollars for me (us) to finally end it.
It wasn’t that it was so awful, I just always felt that Ron wasn’t “the one” and I wanted to be free. I have nothing but good things to say about Ron and I used to say that I have no regrets. Now, however, I do regret that I took so long. I did enjoy fucking him…we fucked and fucked and fucked and like many “monogamous” couples, after the first year or so, I always fucked him bareback…and I love to fuck bareback. Now that I can’t do that, sometimes I fantasize of times when I’m married again and I can fuck my partner bareback. Hmmm, I will decide whether Ron counts or not later. Clearly, relationships are not one of my strong points but I want to think that I can have more than two.
Jeff
Week 2
Probably as soon as I felt connected to Ron, I disconnected…was I ever really connected? Our relationship felt heavy to me, he was heavy. He was always pulling at me, needing me, wanting me to fix something. It was just too much. I was independent, why couldn’t he take care of himself. It was so much work for me to take care of him too. He exhausted me.
I think I gravitate toward guys who are needy, who require some propping up. Maybe I need to be needed. Maybe I need to be in charge even though I feel burdened when that’s the case. Sometimes I feel sorry for them and truly want to make their lives better at the expense of my own. Despite how much of myself that I give, I always think that I’ll be ok because I think that I’m stronger than they are, more independent, more in charge.
The guys I end up with usually want and pursue me…I don’t really want them but take them on as a project??? And then, 14 years go by…UGH.
Always feeling like I’m not making someone else happy or that I’m not doing what they want me to do.
I don’t want to be a caretaker, period.
I don’t want to speak for someone else…or interpret.
Week 1
Relationships…a psychic told me recently that I would only have two relationships in my lifetime. I feel shortchanged. During my vacation this year, I was married and divorced many, many times…and that was exactly my intention. Not that I want to be “really” married and divorced countless times but two…only two? Since I’ve already had one relationship, maybe that means that I will finally find the right man and get married and settle down?
But I’m not sure if I should count my 14 year relationship with Ron or not? I question it because in so many ways, I kept myself separate from Ron. We never combined our finances, I wouldn’t allow it because I felt that he was irresponsible with money…like I wasn’t then and am not now. We never bought a house or car together, split all expenses like good roommates would do. There were times when we slept separately for extended periods of time. He would probably say that was all my doing. Even when we slept together, I would move to my side of the bed after fucking him. And it was always me fucking him…ahhh, the words of a power top. I let him fuck me a few times, but frankly, his cock was too small and he fucked like a rabbit, really fast and short…seemingly, all for his pleasure. Of course, I didn’t and don’t fuck that way. I loved him and I told him so, but not in “that” way…the way a married couple should, whatever that is.
Throughout the 14 years, I spent much of my time trying to devise a plan to divorce. Leaving him and being free to do what I wanted, when I wanted was always the topic. Yes, I felt crappy and devious and dishonest and wimpy about feeling that way. Finally, in 1997, I took a job out of town. So our separation began. But, still not able to break completely, I commuted for four years. It took four years and airfares and rental cars totaling thousands of dollars for me (us) to finally end it.
It wasn’t that it was so awful, I just always felt that Ron wasn’t “the one” and I wanted to be free. I have nothing but good things to say about Ron and I used to say that I have no regrets. Now, however, I do regret that I took so long. I did enjoy fucking him…we fucked and fucked and fucked and like many “monogamous” couples, after the first year or so, I always fucked him bareback…and I love to fuck bareback. Now that I can’t do that, sometimes I fantasize of times when I’m married again and I can fuck my partner bareback. Hmmm, I will decide whether Ron counts or not later. Clearly, relationships are not one of my strong points but I want to think that I can have more than two.
Jeff
Week 2
Probably as soon as I felt connected to Ron, I disconnected…was I ever really connected? Our relationship felt heavy to me, he was heavy. He was always pulling at me, needing me, wanting me to fix something. It was just too much. I was independent, why couldn’t he take care of himself. It was so much work for me to take care of him too. He exhausted me.
I think I gravitate toward guys who are needy, who require some propping up. Maybe I need to be needed. Maybe I need to be in charge even though I feel burdened when that’s the case. Sometimes I feel sorry for them and truly want to make their lives better at the expense of my own. Despite how much of myself that I give, I always think that I’ll be ok because I think that I’m stronger than they are, more independent, more in charge.
The guys I end up with usually want and pursue me…I don’t really want them but take them on as a project??? And then, 14 years go by…UGH.
Always feeling like I’m not making someone else happy or that I’m not doing what they want me to do.
I don’t want to be a caretaker, period.
I don’t want to speak for someone else…or interpret.
posted by LifeWriter at 11:09 PM
2 Comments:
I have very much enjoyed reading the work you posted, Mister Jeff, and have found it both fascinating and, more to the point, extraordinarily well-written. For a man who eschews an authorial title, you are doing a damn fine impression of one. Kudos!
(BRAD)
Jeff, I love your writing. It is courageous that you share it, for it's so honest, so open, so raw. What really engrosses me in it is that it isn't about your dick at all but about the very real, so human, flesh and blood, body and soul, behind it. Wow! (Jim)
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