God's Will (Jim)

I have often believed that my mystic experiences and dreams or deep in prayer when an answer comes to me, are ultimate truth, “God’s will” speaking almost directly to me. I have to wonder about that assumption now though. It is clearly a powerful avenue for me to confront something that overwhelms me on the literal plane, and it does come up with solutions way beyond myself, but is it God’s will for me, I wonder? Embarking on the path that led to the demon experience, I do not believe was God’s will, or was it, it sure seemed so at the time. But surely it was God who answered my fervent prayers, rescuing me from hell of the demon experience and grounding me in myself again. But that left me a shattered shell of myself, unable to make any decision, or care for myself. That was a “Will” I’ve feared for the rest of my life. And the two Reiki experiences, though wonderfully empowering and healing, felt like the touch of a very different god than Christianity’s. Shamanic spirituality and it’s oh so earthly visions likewise feel very different. I experience an underworld, middle world and upper world in Reiki and Shamanism that work in unison, where evil or good, man or animal, flesh or spirit, alive or dead, are nonissues, coexisting, rather than being exclusionary polar opposites. So even my sense of and experience of God varies.

Another vision, that at the time I took as God’s acceptance of my sexuality, but that I now am less sure of its meaning, is the vision of the 60 foot phallus on the alter, that arose as I tried to hold onto my sense of desire while in worship in church. Had desire, turned to lust, become a false god in me that I now worshiped more so than God? That’s the question the vision confronted me with. How dare I bring depravity into the house of God. Was my desire depravity in God’s eyes? As lust, desire was dangerously out-of-control in me then. Lust would lead me to relish the power in knowing I had it in me to rape someone, though I did not do so. And it would be a stronger basis than love, beneath my relationship with Ty, though both were powerfully present. So was the vision, since it vanished when I thought I felt God’s acceptance of it on his alter, acceptance of my desire, or was it a rejection of desire gone berserk? It was probably both. That’s the thing about God’s will, it seems to be able to be in two contradictory positions at once.
So as you can see, I’m not sure how or when or if my Higher Power is speaking to me, ever. The visionary plane is not solely heavenly. Nor is God solely heavenly it seems now. Nor is his will clear, or one-sided, it’s more of a countradiction I think. Often I see one-side of God’s will for me, and not the balancing opposite-part, I fear. God’s will is very complex and beyond me I think, so I don’t know how I’ll know it, or how to stay in touch with it. I know it can be dangerous for me to convince myself that I am living in God’s will.