Assignment 5, Part D (Jim)
Assignment 5, Part D - Imagination Battles 11/15/2005
I wish I could say I was more committed to developing my imagination than the reality of it. It’s more like a commitment to the gym than a passion in me. At best I can say I’m consistent, which goes a long way in getting fit, but real breakthroughs take creativity and drive behind them too. I schedule in an appointment for spontaneity, and want no relationship with it the rest of the time. Not the way it works.
What inhibits me most from creating then is the intimacy of it. I want to be in control, lay out the steps, and most of all I want to measure out how I’m affected, bit by bit.
A very strange thing happened on the way to rediscovering what turns me on. Ecstacy was always followed with equal amounts of depression or rage. What’s that about? It sure throws cold water on your lovers, pride over his performance. I think I was angry I lost control. So I’d ecstatically lose myself in desire, then utterly hang myself out to dry for it later. Sexual and spiritual imagination take very similar paths in me.
There’s a basic deep mistrust in wanting to measure, control, and ration out affect. Do I not trust myself, not trust others, or not trust God? I remember when I bought my first car, a Ford Escort derivative, the two-seated EXP, I was afraid anything nice would be taken from me. And at the time maybe there was a sense that it should be that way. I should stay low.
There’s another twist to my imaginal life. It’s difficult to be both creative and responsible. It’s hard to pay bills, look for work, etc. while being creative. They don’t like to share the day. My body, meanwhile, either wants to sleep, run around restlessly, visit or do chores, to avoid the imaginal.
I’m afraid of intimacy.
I wish I could say I was more committed to developing my imagination than the reality of it. It’s more like a commitment to the gym than a passion in me. At best I can say I’m consistent, which goes a long way in getting fit, but real breakthroughs take creativity and drive behind them too. I schedule in an appointment for spontaneity, and want no relationship with it the rest of the time. Not the way it works.
What inhibits me most from creating then is the intimacy of it. I want to be in control, lay out the steps, and most of all I want to measure out how I’m affected, bit by bit.
A very strange thing happened on the way to rediscovering what turns me on. Ecstacy was always followed with equal amounts of depression or rage. What’s that about? It sure throws cold water on your lovers, pride over his performance. I think I was angry I lost control. So I’d ecstatically lose myself in desire, then utterly hang myself out to dry for it later. Sexual and spiritual imagination take very similar paths in me.
There’s a basic deep mistrust in wanting to measure, control, and ration out affect. Do I not trust myself, not trust others, or not trust God? I remember when I bought my first car, a Ford Escort derivative, the two-seated EXP, I was afraid anything nice would be taken from me. And at the time maybe there was a sense that it should be that way. I should stay low.
There’s another twist to my imaginal life. It’s difficult to be both creative and responsible. It’s hard to pay bills, look for work, etc. while being creative. They don’t like to share the day. My body, meanwhile, either wants to sleep, run around restlessly, visit or do chores, to avoid the imaginal.
I’m afraid of intimacy.
posted by LifeWriter at 4:44 PM
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