Trusting Self (Jim)
If I Cannot Trust Myself 1/12/2006
On 11/03/2005 I wrote an entree entitled ‘Do I Trust God’. Though I struggle with the exact nature of this God I’m called to surrender to, I do trust her. I ended with the prayer of Thomas Merton, saying that I have no idea where I’m going, nor if I’m following your will (God), but I believe my desire to please you does please you. That if I do this you will lead me right, and I’m never alone. That aspect of Step Two of CODA was most difficult, for me.
The most difficult aspect of Step Three, asks ... ‘If I cannot trust myself, how can I trust Higher Power?’ ‘How do I practice trusting?’
I told my family, I read two gay romances over Christmas, “Brokeback Mountain” and ‘The Front Runner”. Both about honesty and integrity. Both deal with the high costs of being real and visible in the world (death) and of the even higher costs of not.
Ty said and has always said, that he believes I deserve better (than him). I guess I feel the same thing with anyone and all.
Billy Sive in “The Front Runner” was such a purist, only having sex with someone he loved. The coach, his lover, of course, a former prostitute, was not so pure, but was burned pure by the heat of their relationship. He took the heat.
Ty’s never been faithful yet his heat is real. What I mean is I sincerely believe he deeply feels his faults, and failures, and bleeds profusely for them. He’s not a cold and flat antisocial, for manipulations sake, rather his failures rooted, I think, in a lack of trust in himself. There’s an attachment to his faults and failures in that it fits him, he truly believes. That’s sad, so sad.
Does all this relate to how I practice trusting or don’t? I don’t know what to do with Ty and perhaps it’s why I’m so tired and driven to redeem myself right now. How can I be so cruel, untouched by his tears? Is that trusting myself? I understand his attachment to failure. I surely do. I’m far from pure myself. There’s heat together and separate for each of us, but which is purifying here? Being separate has been, but is it now? I’m pretty attached to self-sabotage myself.
I hear no answers from my sweet Lord. I really want to see you, Lord. Mmmm my Lord. I really want to know you, go with you, show you, see you Lord, be with you, my sweet Lord - Alleluia! Mmmmm my Lord - Hara Kristna. But it takes so long, my Lord. My sweet Lord. My, my, my, my Lord. My sweet Lord.
I hurt.
On 11/03/2005 I wrote an entree entitled ‘Do I Trust God’. Though I struggle with the exact nature of this God I’m called to surrender to, I do trust her. I ended with the prayer of Thomas Merton, saying that I have no idea where I’m going, nor if I’m following your will (God), but I believe my desire to please you does please you. That if I do this you will lead me right, and I’m never alone. That aspect of Step Two of CODA was most difficult, for me.
The most difficult aspect of Step Three, asks ... ‘If I cannot trust myself, how can I trust Higher Power?’ ‘How do I practice trusting?’
I told my family, I read two gay romances over Christmas, “Brokeback Mountain” and ‘The Front Runner”. Both about honesty and integrity. Both deal with the high costs of being real and visible in the world (death) and of the even higher costs of not.
Ty said and has always said, that he believes I deserve better (than him). I guess I feel the same thing with anyone and all.
Billy Sive in “The Front Runner” was such a purist, only having sex with someone he loved. The coach, his lover, of course, a former prostitute, was not so pure, but was burned pure by the heat of their relationship. He took the heat.
Ty’s never been faithful yet his heat is real. What I mean is I sincerely believe he deeply feels his faults, and failures, and bleeds profusely for them. He’s not a cold and flat antisocial, for manipulations sake, rather his failures rooted, I think, in a lack of trust in himself. There’s an attachment to his faults and failures in that it fits him, he truly believes. That’s sad, so sad.
Does all this relate to how I practice trusting or don’t? I don’t know what to do with Ty and perhaps it’s why I’m so tired and driven to redeem myself right now. How can I be so cruel, untouched by his tears? Is that trusting myself? I understand his attachment to failure. I surely do. I’m far from pure myself. There’s heat together and separate for each of us, but which is purifying here? Being separate has been, but is it now? I’m pretty attached to self-sabotage myself.
I hear no answers from my sweet Lord. I really want to see you, Lord. Mmmm my Lord. I really want to know you, go with you, show you, see you Lord, be with you, my sweet Lord - Alleluia! Mmmmm my Lord - Hara Kristna. But it takes so long, my Lord. My sweet Lord. My, my, my, my Lord. My sweet Lord.
I hurt.
posted by LifeWriter at 7:53 PM
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