Miraculous vs. Addictions
Addictions (Jim) 11/10/2005
I was off-balance talking to Bryan. I was drawn in by his forearms and biceps, and vulnerable, knowing he probably had no similar feelings for me, and besides, after Ty, I wasn’t ready for these desires in myself. But also, I was off-balance because, he, the pragmatist, was asking some really penetrating, and unsettling questions about my experiences of the miraculous. I hadn’t wanted to tell the group of the demon experience in the first place, for fear that no one would understand. But worse, what if Bryan really had some understanding of it and went where I dared not tread? He inquired, ‘Could my desire for miraculous ecstacy be like my addictions to alcohol or to dependent relationships? I’ll add to that list, or like the ecstacy of lust?
It is a very good question. I could say yes, they are all escapes. During the first mystic period with Fr. Miriani, my senior year in high school, I spent so much time with him in the hospital that the religion teacher was refusing to pass me. I would not have graduated that year if he hadn’t intervened. The year of the demon experience, I did not graduate with my class and failed most of my courses. Miracles are glamorous but obediently crawling up on the cross and dying ain’t.
When I’m hooked with any of the four, it’s very hard to let go, but they are very different. The ecstacy of lust is like a fish with a hook in his mouth, flying through the water as he’s being reeled in, with a sense this is going to somehow end in a frying pan. Alcohol begins with the ecstacy of letting go but quickly leads to a numbing. Dependent relationships refuse to see the truth, due to insecurity. In contrast, the ecstacy of being in the miraculous is an opening up of awareness. A meeting everyone where they’re at in love. Like the Holy Spirit tongues of fire anointing the apostles, it allows each participant to hear the message in their native tongue. It’s to commune so deeply, and see so deeply that it’s an altered reality. It’s also not a rarified moment but periods that lasts for some time in my life.
Here’s a very small example that may not seem miraculous. I was talking to Yo, a slick, sharp, lady’s man, and to Attila, who was depressed, slow and dumpy. Throughout the talk, I could acknowledge Yo’s derision of Attila but lead him to compassion for him, while lifting up Attila’s opinion of himself and his sense of belonging.
The deep communion is the miracle for everyone touched by it. To be one, is what we all secretly want and hunger so for. In the moment anything’s possible. It’s why I take many miracles of the Bible as possible, rather than as just metaphorical.
Beauty dies for me when the possibility of communion is gone.
I was off-balance talking to Bryan. I was drawn in by his forearms and biceps, and vulnerable, knowing he probably had no similar feelings for me, and besides, after Ty, I wasn’t ready for these desires in myself. But also, I was off-balance because, he, the pragmatist, was asking some really penetrating, and unsettling questions about my experiences of the miraculous. I hadn’t wanted to tell the group of the demon experience in the first place, for fear that no one would understand. But worse, what if Bryan really had some understanding of it and went where I dared not tread? He inquired, ‘Could my desire for miraculous ecstacy be like my addictions to alcohol or to dependent relationships? I’ll add to that list, or like the ecstacy of lust?
It is a very good question. I could say yes, they are all escapes. During the first mystic period with Fr. Miriani, my senior year in high school, I spent so much time with him in the hospital that the religion teacher was refusing to pass me. I would not have graduated that year if he hadn’t intervened. The year of the demon experience, I did not graduate with my class and failed most of my courses. Miracles are glamorous but obediently crawling up on the cross and dying ain’t.
When I’m hooked with any of the four, it’s very hard to let go, but they are very different. The ecstacy of lust is like a fish with a hook in his mouth, flying through the water as he’s being reeled in, with a sense this is going to somehow end in a frying pan. Alcohol begins with the ecstacy of letting go but quickly leads to a numbing. Dependent relationships refuse to see the truth, due to insecurity. In contrast, the ecstacy of being in the miraculous is an opening up of awareness. A meeting everyone where they’re at in love. Like the Holy Spirit tongues of fire anointing the apostles, it allows each participant to hear the message in their native tongue. It’s to commune so deeply, and see so deeply that it’s an altered reality. It’s also not a rarified moment but periods that lasts for some time in my life.
Here’s a very small example that may not seem miraculous. I was talking to Yo, a slick, sharp, lady’s man, and to Attila, who was depressed, slow and dumpy. Throughout the talk, I could acknowledge Yo’s derision of Attila but lead him to compassion for him, while lifting up Attila’s opinion of himself and his sense of belonging.
The deep communion is the miracle for everyone touched by it. To be one, is what we all secretly want and hunger so for. In the moment anything’s possible. It’s why I take many miracles of the Bible as possible, rather than as just metaphorical.
Beauty dies for me when the possibility of communion is gone.
posted by LifeWriter at 8:40 PM
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