Trust
Do I Trust God? (Jim) 11/03/2005
As I mentioned in The Demon Experience blog, the happiest time in my life was during my senior year in high school, when I was nearly mystic. I’m always drawn to that magical time, and I have many joyous memories I want to write about from then, but first, I want to write about a recent shift.
Step 1 of the 12 CODA (CoDependents Anonymous) steps, was easy by comparison. My life had so obviously been unmanageable for the whole 5 years with Ty and long before that. I did need to grasp that I am powerless over others though. Many of my dreams have been about powerlessness, but surrender, which is to what all this honesty is leading, goes deeper than that. I wished I could just live right and joyously again. Why I can’t, gets to the crux of why I want control, why I can’t just let go of others, and know when I’ve done enough. So there’s real power in surrender. But what exactly am I surrendering to?
Step 2 says ‘Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.’
It seems obvious to me that there is a power greater than myself. My Mom says I have sacrificed myself for others as far back as she can remember. I’ve never understood the confidence others so readily place in me. Saving the day is in compensation for my lack of self-esteem, but instead it leaves me fearful of the needs of others, and resentful. With critically low self-esteem it is no stretch to believe in a power greater than me. All others are that. There’s nothing trusting in any of this, though.
The love as self-rejection episode (The Demon Experience) had made me very fearful of spirituality. Mom is right, self-reproach has always been with me, but it took a sinister turn with puberty. My sexuality was awakened by Mark but I was blameless in that I was powerless in it. Mickey and I finding each other was also so innocent. Sure we hid ourselves but it was from a disapproval outside of us.
When I sacrificed what I thought was love (with Mickey), to recast myself as good in the eyes of others (in the seminary), I was hiding a terrible self-realization. I’m no good, or worse, I’m evil. The disapproval had taken up residence within. A dichotomy developed then with sexuality, me and evil on one side and with spirituality, God and good, as the other. At 40 I accepted myself as gay and most likely evil, but ranted at God’s unfairness - ‘If you created me gay, then aren’t you evil too?’ Even now, any move towards the bliss of that former spirituality, damages my hard won self-acceptance around my earthy sexuality.
So what is the exact nature of this God I’m being called to surrender to? Is God trustworthy? That’s what really scared me. God’s has a split personality between the Old and New Testament. In the new he’s loving and forgiving, in the old he’s a jealous, vengeful, wrathful God. Jesus, Job, Jacob and Uriah are innocence sacrificed. Did God evolve? I don’t think so, evil is just more split off into its’ own entity (the Devil) in the New Testament. Just like I split off the human needs in me, in my demon experience, as evil.
My image of my Higher Power has changed since my youth, from mystic, benevolent beauty, to something more awe full, I think. Something I now tremble in fear of. The new image is comfortable in my shadows with me and with my earthy sexuality, as am I. Good is not an appearance worn for others. I was a hermit from others and from myself. Now I find what I thought was just personal has universal elements to it. Much is too big when seen as only personal and not as shared experience.
As I was trying to come to peace with my sexuality I dared, blasphemy of blasphemies, to bring sexual desire into church with me, causing another break with reality. I was astonished because I could no longer see or hear the preachers sermon because of this huge 60' erect dick swaying in front of him. I concluded it was an hallucination because no one around me seemed surprised by anything out of the ordinary happening, and I was okay with that. I treated the vision as a metaphor or a dream, that identified my sexuality as a false idol I dared to place before God. When I refused to back off from my sexual desire in this house of worship, the phallus situated itself on the alter. When I quietly concluded that God and I were okay with my desire there, it vanished. When I refused to deny my desire, I had it intact, as a worthy sacrifice to place on the alter, as a gift given to me that I now gave back. Desire and good were rejoined.
I feel a little like the prodigal son returning home. Like I don’t deserve the fatted calf and party. It also makes me realize I’ll never know what God’s plan is - it’s so beyond me. Literally encompassing so much more than me or my enemies. But have you ever looked back at dreams you’ve had say 5 years ago and realized how right on they were, even though at the time they made absolutely no sense to you? It’s unprovable but I’ve come to believe that what I’m surrendering to can be trusted, and is the key to my living right and joyously again.
I love how the ‘Prayer of Thomas Merton’ captures the trust and surrender that brings peace. He says...
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will,
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please You does - in fact - please You.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
that You will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, will I trust You always
though I may be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for You, are ever with me, and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
As I mentioned in The Demon Experience blog, the happiest time in my life was during my senior year in high school, when I was nearly mystic. I’m always drawn to that magical time, and I have many joyous memories I want to write about from then, but first, I want to write about a recent shift.
Step 1 of the 12 CODA (CoDependents Anonymous) steps, was easy by comparison. My life had so obviously been unmanageable for the whole 5 years with Ty and long before that. I did need to grasp that I am powerless over others though. Many of my dreams have been about powerlessness, but surrender, which is to what all this honesty is leading, goes deeper than that. I wished I could just live right and joyously again. Why I can’t, gets to the crux of why I want control, why I can’t just let go of others, and know when I’ve done enough. So there’s real power in surrender. But what exactly am I surrendering to?
Step 2 says ‘Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.’
It seems obvious to me that there is a power greater than myself. My Mom says I have sacrificed myself for others as far back as she can remember. I’ve never understood the confidence others so readily place in me. Saving the day is in compensation for my lack of self-esteem, but instead it leaves me fearful of the needs of others, and resentful. With critically low self-esteem it is no stretch to believe in a power greater than me. All others are that. There’s nothing trusting in any of this, though.
The love as self-rejection episode (The Demon Experience) had made me very fearful of spirituality. Mom is right, self-reproach has always been with me, but it took a sinister turn with puberty. My sexuality was awakened by Mark but I was blameless in that I was powerless in it. Mickey and I finding each other was also so innocent. Sure we hid ourselves but it was from a disapproval outside of us.
When I sacrificed what I thought was love (with Mickey), to recast myself as good in the eyes of others (in the seminary), I was hiding a terrible self-realization. I’m no good, or worse, I’m evil. The disapproval had taken up residence within. A dichotomy developed then with sexuality, me and evil on one side and with spirituality, God and good, as the other. At 40 I accepted myself as gay and most likely evil, but ranted at God’s unfairness - ‘If you created me gay, then aren’t you evil too?’ Even now, any move towards the bliss of that former spirituality, damages my hard won self-acceptance around my earthy sexuality.
So what is the exact nature of this God I’m being called to surrender to? Is God trustworthy? That’s what really scared me. God’s has a split personality between the Old and New Testament. In the new he’s loving and forgiving, in the old he’s a jealous, vengeful, wrathful God. Jesus, Job, Jacob and Uriah are innocence sacrificed. Did God evolve? I don’t think so, evil is just more split off into its’ own entity (the Devil) in the New Testament. Just like I split off the human needs in me, in my demon experience, as evil.
My image of my Higher Power has changed since my youth, from mystic, benevolent beauty, to something more awe full, I think. Something I now tremble in fear of. The new image is comfortable in my shadows with me and with my earthy sexuality, as am I. Good is not an appearance worn for others. I was a hermit from others and from myself. Now I find what I thought was just personal has universal elements to it. Much is too big when seen as only personal and not as shared experience.
As I was trying to come to peace with my sexuality I dared, blasphemy of blasphemies, to bring sexual desire into church with me, causing another break with reality. I was astonished because I could no longer see or hear the preachers sermon because of this huge 60' erect dick swaying in front of him. I concluded it was an hallucination because no one around me seemed surprised by anything out of the ordinary happening, and I was okay with that. I treated the vision as a metaphor or a dream, that identified my sexuality as a false idol I dared to place before God. When I refused to back off from my sexual desire in this house of worship, the phallus situated itself on the alter. When I quietly concluded that God and I were okay with my desire there, it vanished. When I refused to deny my desire, I had it intact, as a worthy sacrifice to place on the alter, as a gift given to me that I now gave back. Desire and good were rejoined.
I feel a little like the prodigal son returning home. Like I don’t deserve the fatted calf and party. It also makes me realize I’ll never know what God’s plan is - it’s so beyond me. Literally encompassing so much more than me or my enemies. But have you ever looked back at dreams you’ve had say 5 years ago and realized how right on they were, even though at the time they made absolutely no sense to you? It’s unprovable but I’ve come to believe that what I’m surrendering to can be trusted, and is the key to my living right and joyously again.
I love how the ‘Prayer of Thomas Merton’ captures the trust and surrender that brings peace. He says...
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following Your will,
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please You does - in fact - please You.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
that You will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, will I trust You always
though I may be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for You, are ever with me, and
You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
posted by LifeWriter at 5:45 PM
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